BloodRayne? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

A show of hands please from any of you who have heard of or even seen the movie Bloodrayne . Apparently it was released about a month ago, on January 6th. I had seen posters and billboards while driving around LA, but I honestly thought they were promoting some new sci-fi/fantasy show on USA, or something. It wasn’t until I saw the trailer that I realized what a special little gem this was.

Here’s a brief descripition of the film from the official movie website :

“BloodRayne is a genre all to itself. It is packed with action, but it’s not an action film per se. It is a mighty adventure, but it’s not a pure adventure film. There are mythical and immortal creatures of great power and evil, but it’s not a typical vampire movie. BloodRayne crosses all genres. There is romance, adventure, action, drama and a raging battle of good and evil.”

(I think the person who wrote this copy could have used a Thesaurus. But moving on…)

“With an all-star cast, including Academy Award Winner, Ben Kingsly, Michael Madsen(Species), Michell Rodrguez, Meatloaf, and Kristanna Loken (T-3, The terminatrix), BloodRayne takes you to another place and time to experience a world where good and evil battle it out – with mankind as the very prize. “

First of all, I love that the credit they give to Michael Madsen is “Species”, --not Resevoir Dogs, or Kill Bill or even Sin City, but a b-movie creature feature that came out eleven years ago. Why didn’t they mention “Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home” while they were at it. Secondly…Meatloaf? Yes, if you watch the trailer closely, you will see that Meatloaf plays some insane Monarch. You will also notice that the credits say “WITH Michelle Rodriguez”, don’t get me wrong, I like Rodriguez and everything, but has she really earned a WITH, I mean in the context of this trailer, it seems a step away from AND Michelle Rodriguez as so and so.

The website summary also left out poor Billy Zane, but does its best to committ to a rousing depiction of the film’s plot…:

“It’s 1723 and evil rules Eastern Europe. An evil Lord Kagan has so much power that no one stands boldly against him. No one would dare try. And as great as his power is, this Kagan has an opportunity to become utterly invincible. Three secret treasures, once united in his presence will give Kagan immortal powers of untold horror. But there is some hope. Throughout history there have always been those brave few who take up a cause for the good of mankind. The Brimstone Society is a small mighty group made up of just these kinds of men and women. They have banded together to car for each other and to make themselves the avengers of the weak. To smite evil where they can and to perhaps someday restore law and order to the rest of society. As these two forces converge, there are whispers across the land about a legend. “

Oh my God, I’m dozing off already. Is this a logline for a movie, or a brief history of fuedal social dynamics? And who would think to name a vigillante group after something found commonly in hell? But wait, it doesn’t end there…:

“A young and beautiful woman might harbor the secrets to defeat the mighty Kagan. Will Brimstone find her before Kagan does? If they find her, will she help them or go her own way? Even if she does help, will it be enough to defeat the evil armies of Kagan? And what is her dark secret that would make even Kagan fear her? Join us for this mighty adventure and immerse yourself! BloodRayne, all myth begins in reality!”

Well thank goodness for that informative plot synopsis, or I wouldn’t have had a clue about the movie based solely on the trailer.

The film’s director, Uwe Bol, is a German filmmaker, who’s last outing in the U.S. was the underwhelming “Alone in the Dark” starring Christian Slater and Tara Reid. Need I say more? Do you even remember what movie I’m talking about? Previous to AITD, Bol had directed a couple of severely under the radar indie horror flicks. But despite the notoriety that his work might or might not receive, he appears to get constant work. His profile on IMDB says he’s slated for five upcoming movies in the next couple of years. It’s perplexing.

Everything about this trailer is shocking, --the over the top voiceover guy, the terrible looking wig Ben Kingsley’s wears, the lackluster way the actors say their lines. The screenplay was written by Guinevere Turner, an actress/writer/director, who has done a lot of indie work, and who’s most notable piece of writing is the script for American Psycho. It seems that this was her first foray into genre work and well, ...it shows. Every possible cliché that exists in the heroine within a comic book setting was used here, from the leather bodice, to the castle and vampire backdrop fused with the kung fu-esque fighting.

BloodRayne was released by an independent distributor, but they have Universal doing their DVD release, so I’m assuming they are hoping to get some decent mileage out of that. Though heaven knows how. I might just be tempted to rent it to see Meatloaf in what is sure to have been an unforgettable performance.

“Cause I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that….No, I won’t do that…”