Thursday, February 24, 2005

Fun: Hollywood Assistant Style

For most normal people who do not work in Hollywood, the verb rolling means laying on the ground and turning in a continuous motion. Jack and Jill "rolled" down the hill, and that sort of thing. In Hollywood, rolling means the following: Your boss calls you from his cell phone while you are at the office. He then proceeds to ask you to "get him Ben" You put him on hold, dial Ben's office number, and tell Ben's assistant you have your boss on the line. At this point one of two things happen. Ben is not availible, in which case you tell your boss "they will return" and go on to the next person on the "call sheet" OR Ben is there and you conference the phone lines.

Now, I know this is confusing but bear with me. At this point there are now FOUR people on the line. That's right, four. Your boss, Ben Affleck, Ben's assistant, and yourself. Yes, both assistants stay on the line (with the mute button on), because apparently, that's how you learn the ropes in Hollywood. It is also mandatory in many cases because your boss will periodically yell for you during the call, to feed him information, or take down a number.

You with me so far? Good. Now often times as we all know, cell phones crap out, or have bad connections, in which case you are supposed to alert all parties involved and start all over again.

But sometimes, ...sometimes... the Hollywood Assistant takes control of the game.

The following teleplay is based on a true story. Names have been changed in order to protect everyone's ass.

Bobby (Hollywood Assistant A): Hey Sally, Sally, get on this call, listen to this.
Sally (Hollywood Assistant B): Huh? Why?
Bobby: Gort has a really bad cell connection, but I'm going to put him through to Klatu anyways!

Gort (Hollywood Player A): Hello? (crackle, crackle) -an --u ----r me?
Klatu (Hollywood Player B): Gort? Gort how are you!
Gort: I'm jus----(crackle crackle) an-- I -----(crackle crackle) You know?
Klatu: Uhuh. I do Gort, I really do.
Gort: It's absolu--- (crackle crackle) wha- do you---(crackle crackle)
Klatu: Uhuh. Uhuh. I completely agree.
Gort: Nooo--- I me--- (crackle crackle) what I'm ask------ (crackle)
Klatu: Hmmmm.
Gort: Yo-- don--- (crackle crackle) what the fu--- (crackle followed by laughter)
Klatu: (laughter)I'm sorry, I just, I can't hear a God damned thing you're saying.
Gort: (laughter) Well I ---- and we--- so ----(crackle crackle)
Klatu: Alright, well I'll make sure I get on that.
Gort: Ar--- --u ---(crackle crackle) well?
Klatu: You have a great night too. Talk to you tomorrow.


It just seems like Gort and Klatu never got on the same page. I hope their conversation wasn't about some multi-million dollar budgeted movie....

Oh well.


Anonymous Not Klatu said...

I wish you'd stop referring to me as Klatu

8:47 AM  

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