Rob Schneider if you're reading this, I love you man...

Work has been so busy recently that I let a whole week go by before I watched the new trailer for Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo! I don’t know how I let THAT happen.

But, uh oh, I better not say anything too mean about Rob Schneider. Remember a couple months ago when LA film critic Patrick Goldstein lambasted the big Hollywood studios for not making more “serious” films that would reward them with Oscar nominations? Goldstein implied it was a pity that the smaller independent films were garnering more attention during the awards season than their big siblings, the studios. Goldstein also made the egregious error of using the Duece Bigelow sequal as a case study of Hollywood movie making at its worst.

Little did Mr. Patrick Goldstien know, that Mr. Schneider (or at least his assistant) reads the newspaper. A few days later Robbie took out a page in both the Hollywood Reporter and Variety to print this letter of retort.

Dear Patrick Goldstein, Staff Writer for the Los Angeles Times,

My name is Rob Schneider and I am responding to your January 26 front page cover story in the LA Times, where you used my upcoming sequel to "Deuce Bigelow" as an example of why Hollywood Studios are lagging behind the Independents in Academy Nominations. According to your logic, Hollywood Studios are too busy making sequels like "Deuce Bigelow" instead of making movies that you would like to see. Well, Mr. Goldstein, as far as your snide comments about me and my film not being nominated for an Academy Award, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you have won.

I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind. Disappointed, I went to the Pulitzer Prize database of past winners and nominees. I thought, surely, there must be an omission. I typed in the name Patrick Goldstein and again, zippo - nada. No Pulitzer Prizes or nominations for a "Mr. Patrick Goldstein." There was, however, a nomination for an Amy Goldstein. I contacted Ms. Goldstein in Rhode Island, she assured me she was not an alias of yours, and in fact like most of the World had no idea of your existence.

Frankly, I am surprised the LA Times would hire someone like you with so few or, actually, no accolades to work on their front page. Surely there must be a larger talent pool for the LA Times to draw from. Perhaps, someone who has at least won a "Cable Ace Award."

Maybe, Mr. Goldstein, you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for "Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter, Who's Never Been Acknowledged By His Peers!"

Patrick, I can honestly say that if I sat down with your colleagues at a luncheon, afterwards, they'd say, "You know, that Rob Schneider is a pretty intelligent guy, I hope we can do that again." Whereas, if you sat with my colleagues, after lunch, you would just be beaten beyond recognition.

For the record, Patrick, your research is shabby as well. My next film is not "Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo 2." It's "Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo," in theaters EVERYWHERE August 12th, 2005.

All my best,
Rob Schneider

Wow, somebody got a little hot under the collar! I’ve discussed this letter with some of my friends who’ve had different opinions on Schneider's actions. Some felt that it was “douche-y” of him to write this letter because he is a public figure, and should be acclimated to critic’s critiques. Others found it hilarious that Schneider would go so far as to take out full pages in the trades. Obviously he was not satisfied with just Patrick reading his letter, he needed the whole world to witness his retribution. I myself, found it hilarious. I have read several of Patrick Goldstein’s articles, and he definitely embodies that snide, pompous righteousness that many critics have. One of those pseudo-pundits who is content to just sit in front of their computers all day and type away vitriolic diatribes that tear apart other people’s artistic endeavors. These people are more often than not, frustrated artists who due to cowardice and neurosis can’t force out their own creative product so they must be content to pan the creativity of others.
(Uhhh….is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?)

Unfortunately Defamer exposed shortly after that Patrick Goldstein had in fact been awarded some no – name publicists guild press award. For me this took away some of the sweetness of Schneider’s zing.

But let’s stop romanticizing mini press scandals and get back to the issue at hand, DUECE BEGELOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO. The trailer is piss poor, but maybe that’s just because it doesn’t do the film proper justice. (Maybe my boss will double my salary today and give me a two week paid vacation to the Bahamas!) I have to confess that I have not seen the original film that spawned this franchise, but apparently it did well enough to merit a sequel. So who knows?

In the words of an agent (who I overheard a couple days ago) “European Gigolo is gonna be huge! Schneider is gonna go huge after this!” (uhuh, and maybe that hooker last night will return his wallet with all his credit cards still inside!)